How it all started?

Before Meeting My Counselor: Suman at Sanjivini mental illness hospital

I was becoming increasingly disregardful of my appearance. I had lost a lot of weight. These were the days when I simply could not meet my own eyes in the mirror. I stopped caring about my personal grooming. I was filled with a sense of impatience and urgency, like never before. It was all about now, now and now all the way. There was a persistent disturbance to conscious thought. I could not stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I started hating my face. I hated it so much. I hated myself in fact. The thought kept going round and round like whirlwind. They were spiralling wild. There were various images popping in my head time and again. I shut my eyes, trying to block them out. They just won’t go away. They ran amok like horses on a racing spree. I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to shout at the thoughts telling them to stop.
In-between all this I was hoping to fill that void that had been created because something had left me stranded in the middle of my life. I had managed to push aside what was gnawing my heart. The incident haunted me like a moonless night and stifled me unexpectedly every now and then. My life had fallen apart. I felt no love, no affection and care. It was like a precious memory I secretly harboured in my heart. It was sucking out my hopes, positivity and ambitions.
I spent the next few months lying on my bed and evaluating all the incidents while still managing my office. I did not feel like going out, meeting friends or in general facing people… so I didn’t. I stayed at home. It was stupid, it was unlike me… but I found comfort in it. Everything outside was just the same as before but I had changed. The people around me were normal, unaware of the storm brewing within me.

I tried thinking happy thoughts but nothing worked.  
It was just the worst part of my life.

 

 

Picture Courtesy: Puja Bhatia

Editing Courtesy: Snigdha Ghosh Roy